If you’ve ever been in a relationship with someone diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, you may have experienced a confusing pattern of push and pull—intense love-bombing, followed by emotional distance, and then a sudden return just when you’re ready to walk away. This emotional rollercoaster often includes a manipulation tactic known as hoovering.
In this blog, we’ll explore what hoovering is, how it operates in narcissistic relationships, and what you can do to protect your mental health if you find yourself caught in this cycle.
What Is Hoovering?
Named after the Hoover vacuum cleaner, hoovering is a manipulative behaviour narcissists use to “suck” their victims back into the relationship after a period of distance or emotional withdrawal. It can happen after you’ve tried to end the 
relationship, set boundaries, or even after the narcissist has discarded you.
The goal of hoovering is to regain control, not to rebuild a healthy relationship. Narcissists thrive on having power over others, and hoovering is a key tool they use to keep you emotionally engaged and dependent on them.
Signs of Hoovering
Hoovering often involves emotional manipulation disguised as affection or remorse. Common signs include:
- Sudden “Love-Bombing”
After a period of silence or conflict, the narcissist might shower you with affection, attention, and compliments, making you feel special and loved again. This sudden shift can be confusing, especially after periods of emotional neglect or abuse. - Promises of Change
The narcissist might promise to change their behavior, address past issues, or go to therapy. These promises are often short-lived and designed to lure you back in. The change rarely happens in any meaningful way. - Guilt Trips
They may play the victim, telling you how much they’re suffering without you or how your absence is harming them. This tactic is designed to make you feel guilty for leaving or setting boundaries. - Fake Emergencies
A narcissist might create a crisis—such as health scares, financial problems, or emotional breakdowns—to pull you back into their orbit. These emergencies are often exaggerated or fabricated. - Nostalgia or “Good Times” Reminder
They might remind you of the good times you shared, making you question whether leaving or distancing yourself was the right decision. This tactic exploits your emotional attachment to the positive aspects of the relationship. - Gifts or Grand Gestures
Narcissists may give gifts, offer to help with something important, or make dramatic, romantic gestures to pull at your heartstrings. These gestures are rarely genuine and often come with strings attached.
Why Hoovering Works
Hoovering can be incredibly effective because it targets your emotional vulnerabilities. After periods of emotional abuse, neglect, or rejection, the sudden attention can feel like a relief, and you might want to believe the narcissist has finally changed.
This cycle can create confusion, causing you to second-guess your decision to leave or enforce boundaries. The emotional highs and lows are draining, and over time, they can erode your self-esteem and make it harder to break free.
How to Protect Yourself from Hoovering
- Recognise the Pattern
Understanding that hoovering is a manipulation tactic is the first step to breaking free. Acknowledge that these attempts to pull you back into the relationship are not signs of genuine love or change. - Set Firm Boundaries
Establish clear boundaries with the narcissist and stick to them. This could include limiting or cutting off contact, blocking them on social media, or refusing to engage in conversations that lead to guilt or emotional manipulation. - Seek Support
It can be incredibly difficult to resist hoovering, especially if you’re emotionally vulnerable. Reach out to trusted friends, family, or a therapist for support. A mental health professional can help you work through feelings of guilt, confusion, and fear, and provide strategies for maintaining your boundaries. - Stay Focused on Reality
Keep a journal or list of the ways the relationship has negatively impacted you. Refer back to it when you feel tempted to re-engage. This can serve as a powerful reminder of why you needed to step away in the first place. - Practice Self-Care
Breaking free from a narcissistic relationship takes time and effort. Prioritize self-care activities that help restore your emotional and physical well-being. Whether it’s meditation, exercise, or spending time with supportive people, taking care of yourself is crucial during this time.
Final Thoughts
Hoovering is a powerful tool of emotional manipulation that narcissists use to maintain control and prevent you from fully detaching. Recognising the signs and understanding how this tactic works can help you protect your mental health and break the cycle. 
If you’re currently dealing with hoovering or suspect you’re in a narcissistic relationship, it’s important to seek professional help. The emotional damage caused by narcissistic abuse can be profound, but with the right support, you can regain control of your life and start healing.
Remember, true love is based on respect, trust, and mutual care—hoovering is none of these things.
And if you need a hand, you can always reach out for a chat.